a big boiling pot of shit that reduces down to garbage, there's just maggots at the bottom, it's rotted and making a hole, spilling everywhere

tolerate my self-indulgent piteous word sludge, my servilitude to suffering, i can't do this, this is so perfomative and interpreted.

you see me and expect performative, you expect an infant, like a bird with a broken wing only you can coddle, i make endearing attempts at flight, but i can suffice on my own, just fuck off and go away.

i will run, i love to run long and hard until i cant breathe. the metal smell in my throat, my head pounds, i throw my feet at the concrete and escape you and all the people that plague me where i constantly try to reconcile difference. i'm caught in the air, for just a moment. the pain brings me to my senses, the more it hurts, the clearer my head, all desires leave me for a split second.

there is no use, no charity, tirelessly we catch each other in loops, your bias, your naviety, the rashomon effect, also found in me, there is no truth to be found or humility from you, you are just as ugly as i am, we are both ugly, everyone is fucking ugly.

i won't be close to anyone anymore, all language is construed for the person's benefit. normativity, social norms, get angry at me when i don't serve you quite right, thats fine because my assertions don't mean anything anyway. yell at me when i crawl on floor. you value my weakness because it sets a precedent for us to interact. just leave if there's no attempt at equal ground.

i indulge in your coddling, i seek it out, i want to be an untouched pure flower in a world of black soot. i want to be the bloom after corpses fertilize the fields. i am just as ugly as everything else, everything born from this earth. we exist in contrasts and are doomed to hurt each other. we are weak and act in moments of immediate senseless desire. i differenciate from you because i can't control it, we will hurt each other, there is no good faith, i have to affirm myself, my being, i have to affirm my difference because i value my experience, i need to be seperate, i can't let my ego die, no matter of intent. maybe there is no evil, then. you will never let go of your ego also. we would both have to die.

you think you can control this, nobody can. i hate myself but it gives me the astuteness of knowing nothing i say could ever be definitively right. there's no relativity, nobody has a frame of reference. you can point, then dig deeper, then find something else mistaken, whether it's a product of intent, that is also fruitless to assess, everyone picks what they want to believe.

i am going to throw everything at my work. my art. the only thing worth living for is what is beautiful. "escapism", i have to escape. so what. i can't stand people. all of these antagonisms. fuck these people. this is so exhausting, i will need to be percieved as an antagonist for their point of view to function. what convincing, i'm digging myself into a hole.

i love the glare of the clouds on the waves. i love the blue of the sky. the colors that arrange themselves in a perfect palette in every frame of nature. the light that shines down upon the ugly things, the lines of cars, the sodacans, the dead pigeons run over on concrete, the products of man made tolerable in movements of color.

i'm going insane. i can't connect with anyone anymore. no more. no more people. nobody new. i'm holding onto what i have. everyone can leave until i am alone, no more connections. i would rather wither and die of loneliness, i've already experienced love. no more pain. i'm going to draw, and read, and look at beautiful things, and run, and lift weights, the sensory pleasures of life are less confusing and never leave me.

the movement of life. so fleeting. i can draw, i dumb it down, i lose so much. but i can fixate just a fragment. i can capture a little stillness. a breath from the unstoppable march to loneliness and death.