i have not been writing as frequently... my life has been pretty boring. suffering from the middle class Ennui so symptomatic of a very comfortable life. the last two weeks, at first happy are now just sort of depressing. i've just been working like a dog. then going through this drama. part of this entry is inadvertently a letter to them.

i was so close to reconciling with my closest friend, getting comfortable with interacting with them again. then i get a hint of a reason to distrust. to disagree. no matter, i rationalize, in context with a and b and c thats probably not the case. then another, then another! what am i doing. should i shake their trust and this oppertunity to interact with them again, at the expense of voicing this overwhelming conclusion. before i know it, the conclusion overwhelms me as so inevitably true, there is no other plausible path containing an option more optimistic.

and i fell it upon them in the most ugly way, instead of making my suspicions transparent from the getgo, this conflict of belief, now i realize my biggest fault was still yet the struggle with my internal desire. i wanted to be a neutral mediator in a game where there were none. i tried to portray myself as such. internally i have already taken a side, which i continue to see as the morally correct position, even if it hurts to enact. but my fault was communicating anything different, because i was scared to cause a tumult. i didn't want to believe the rupture between us was ultimately necessary.

i flip flopped between the two sides. i wanted, selfishly, for us to talk like normal for one more day. then another, and another, and it's been a week, if the people who don't know need to know, this is going to cause hurt.. but i keep ignoring it, inwardly, i can't tolerate the truth. it's my fault again. i never had a consistent position to begin with. i am imposing guilt on myself, yes, to make up for a fault in being able to choose two diametrically opposed points of view. if guilt washes over everything, i don't have to take responsiblity for either party, i can just say i am plagued, and the real problems pertaining to the other indivdiuals involved, are blown over...

i have to side with the person i know the most deeply, love and trust the most fondly. thats the only way to introduce some consistency. i hate having to pick a side, but i cannot pretend the relations are on equal ground. it does not work that way.

i committed a sin through the inconsistency on my position. i oscillated on the very variable that was fundamental to having a consistent line of thought. because of this i created false expectations for both parties, and repeatedly broke them, hurt them, potentially their trust also.

i hope you will come back. now i understand the extent to which we differ as people. but i can accept the gaps, all the people i love i have gaps with. but love overlooks those gaps, just for a little short period of time, so you can experience the bliss of being understood in the facets, that may be small, and not always numerous, yet always rare to find in someone else.

you are the brother i never had but so desperately wanted. you helped me so much, you inspired my self confidence, i take better care of myself now. i wear better clothes. i started cleaning my house more, even if it was just to impress you. i felt encouraged to try to challenge myself in the things i was afraid of myself, because you just told me, regardless if you were blind in your belief, that i could do it. you gave me too much credence for the person i am, i knew it, i knew how short your perception of me fell from who i really was, but that was the most addictive aspect of it all for the both of us. and we had to hurt each other to realize each other's true nature. it was necessary.

i love you very much, and grieve your absence. i wish i could say it was evitable. i hope you too are happy despite. he, i know, loves you too but is deeply hurt by you. and what hurts him hurts me by extension. i need to be by his side, and i can't be on yours. i'm sorry.

i haven't been able to speak from my heart at all. just like you, what i think is your greatest fault i think is mine also. i think that i can control everything, in my head. i can't, so forgive me.