it's been a pretty lax week. feeling pretty content with life in general. i went to my portait drawing class on saturday again, then on sunday met up with a petsitter who's going to watch my cats for when i visit my mom. hung out with some friends over a discord call and watched a j-horror film together called "occult" which was fun.
the petsitter recognized my maromi doll! from paranoia agent... i wish i could've opened up about it. i just shyly acknowledged it. i really clam up around people.

i'm still deciding how "social" i want to be. there's a zine club in my city i'm considering going to, though it's a bit out of my way. it might be beneficial for me to attend, i wanna meet more people my age with similar interests. also, it'd encourage me to finish a damn comic. like when i joined a game dev club years ago, and made friends there.. (til covid struck!) i love my internet friends and correspond regularly, but when the weekend comes and i'm not stuck in a cubicle, i need people i can run around outside with.
i know a couple people i can do that with, but they're busy or our schedules conflict, so its hard to hang out very often. they're also friends i "leeched" off D (lol), it would be nice to make friends of my own and try socializing for once. i hang out with D regularly and love it, he's my best friend of course! but i think it's important to meet new people who challenge your perspective and worldview.
so i need to build confidence talking to people in real life. i have no problem approaching others in online spaces, but i'm stunting my personal growth avoiding talking to people irl.

my portrait drawing class has completely done my ego in. i've felt quite disheartened about my art in general, having neglected it for the last 2.5 years, along with the fact i have this aversion towards finishing things. but there's an objective way to go about this, i simply have to develop a method. all of my improvement through art has been mostly through direct drawing from life, it's not particularly structured. so while i may be able to capture the character of something, i can't yet construct a face that looks like it lifts off the paper. my drawings are quite flat, loose, with broken forms. and judging from my inspirations, i would probably be happy with a stronger sense of solidity, construction and intention.
i'm going the right way about it now, thanks to the resources i have that i didn't previously. an instructor, who can help direct me, and correct my errors in observation, who can set me up with a method.. i was beating myself up over it for a while. but i'm done doing that, over-indulging in self-pity, the only way forward is to acknolwedge it's a problem and do something. no use fretting in what i could've, should've done. i know i did my best given my circumstances and energy, and i'll forgive myself for the times i gave up. but i don't have to give up now.
so thats another resolution. carefree doodling is great for creativity, but not so great for presenting! i want to have chisled works i can say i put my all into, the fullest and most intentioned forms of my expression. right now my "portfolio" is mostly an assemblage of various spur of the moment doodles and stream of conciousness drawings. not often do i commit to something more long term, and thats a fault of my distractedness and impatience. but that's going to change.
it's like there's this contradiction between knowing im mortal, time is so short, i look at art in the mueseum, and online, and think wow someone really just fucking threw themselves at it. gave it their ALL. they really, really believed in what they were doing. they knew how precious time is, how short their stay is on their earth, and how important it was to externalize that thing they wished to communicate, so it could be enjoyed by many people to come. i want to believe in what i'm doing to that magnitude. i've struggled to take myself seriously, out of self hatred and leaning into this self-fufilling prophecy of i'm worthless and can't do anything of worth. to make beautiful things you need to vehemently refuse that line of thought. when you are drawing, or painting, or writing, whatever, that is your sovereign domain! you're going to be neglecting the thing you rule over! it'll come out weak-spirited. how can you conquest without confidence in your way forward?
i used to think having self-esteem was optional, but it's really not! some people manifest it falsely, through egotism, narcissism, stubborn refusal to accept criticism, whatever. and when i would finish more works when i was 15, really give them my everything, my ego was at it's highest point. undeserved, but it got me believing in what i was doing. now, i want to build my confidence up again, but it can't be falsified. it has to be earned. i have to study, and fail, and correct, and learn and try again. eventually through all my trials, i'll come to believe in myself.. i hope.