this weekend was nice. my portrait drawing class went well! my teacher seemed impressed by my attempt and his corrections were very helpful. so happy to get back to the grindstone on my technical skill. he was amused that i knew that an asaro head was, since i pointed the one out on display.<br>
i didn't take a picture, because i didn't want to be tempted to look at it (and look at it with fresh eyes for the week after), but i'll take one when i get back. <br>
it was nice to be around people. it's fun to talk to people of all ages about a common passion. i went downstairs and had a conversation with a stranger about kilmt and artbook archival, how to find artist biographies. i wish these third spaces were accessible to people without money. i'm paying a ton just to attend these classes, not to include the eating out and model fee, transit etc. so i feel very grateful. i'm aware of how many resources i have just to be able to attend.
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the next day, i met up with K and we talked through events from the course of our friendship. I felt pretty healed by the conversation. I used to feel this rush of anxiety all the time, from my friendships, work life, personal life, but things have hushed to a pleasant lull. One i still treat with mistrust, deep down i fear things blowing up unexpectedly. but there's no way of ascertaining the future. 
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presently, I feel clarified of my shame, from my mistakes, from the harm caused by my humanity. i'm really glad i have a friend like K, i think he's one of the few people i've met who seems to have figured out how to avoid being consumed by self-hatred or insecurity. i admire him for that. i'd like to do better in those departments myself.<br> 
I think other people, when they love you, help you clarify the hurt you've carried inside. You're the one who has to work through it, but the people who love you are present, and can help you see through the muck. They point things out to you, you may have not been aware of before, so you may work on them.<br>
i feel a lot of love for the people in my life without expectation. Theyve been so forgiving towards me, any hurt that comes my way i know i should seek to work through and forgive in reciprocation.
A love beyond emotion. The way you feel about someone from day to day will oscillate, but above all you commit to them. Because you remember the days where you feel the closest, and you know they'll come again.<br>
when i came back home, i watched a movie with D and a couple of other friends over a discord call. it was called EO, a movie about a donkey. I think it was supposed to be serious, but the way it was shot i just found funny. so maybe i'll watch the movie it was inspired by, which is supposed to be a masterpiece in cinema.
<br> we did some housework together after. I installed a little shelf next to my bedside which now holds my dream journal, my phone, and a couple knick knacks. we also installed a couple hooks for our coats. one of the hooks is shaped like a dog's but and looks cute. D helped me with my non-existent handyman skills lol.
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working on your home together, solidifying it as a product of your relationship and collaboration, inspired romance. i was surprised. it's funny, the day before was supposed to be quality time also, but things kept going south for reasons out of our control. so it was half-fun/half stress.
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this friday, i'm planning on going clubbing. definetely out of my comfort zone, but theres this cool house/edm club i really wanna try. i've always sorta wanted to try clubbing, i thought cyberia from serial experiments lain always looked fun/cool. 
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i never lived near any i'd actually want to go to, nor did i have the confidence to go. my teens/early 20s were spent working, or very depressed, so now i can kinda test the waters of what it's like to go out and let loose for once. an excuse to dress up fancy, drink and dance together. D and I are people with sticks up in our butts too much, so it should be a good time!