i'm taking a trip to washington to see my mom soon. feeling apprehensive. i love her, but she's sensitive, difficult to read and capricious. i have to walk on eggshells in our conversations, they're always so stilted.

i've been prone to strange swings in mood myself these days. all these big life changes happening consecutively, the opening of oppertunities, the passage of time, hitting me hard.

D is coming along for the trip. it provides me solace having someone else witness to my mom's vicissitudes. we have quite a few things planned, a hike, a trip to the theatre, checking out some of the restruants in the area we were too broke to before.

i've been rewatching twin peaks, and it's funny but it helps me look forward to my visit. the area i'm visiting reminds me of that show's intro a lot. the fog and humidity, the big waterfalls, the wet and earthy mulch and detritus, the evergreens that effuse a pine smell after rain.

i've continued to go to my art club on saturdays. had a nice converstaion with the president on the lack of third spaces, how isolating modern life is. i really love that place, it's been a good social outlet. i'm picky about the social spaces i linger in, but never regret going there.

thinking about my tendency towards solitude. i do think i prefer to be alone than in company. i would often wonder if something was wrong with me for that, or if i should be seeking out people to connect with, and i'm stagnating myself. i don't think thats the case. i've always gravitated towards hobbies that are monastic in nature, i like quiet.

i confirm this to myself when i go for a walk outside and feel glad to be alone. this is a new insight to me. it used to be the case that my head would swirl with thoughts of self-deprecation, the idea that being alone comes from a fundamental flaw in my personality, an incability to connect. but i do possess this capacity. it's just strenuous! i've gone out with friends for hours, so pleased to confirm myself as a social being. then find i want to retire the earliest out of them all.

i falsely construed my aversion to social spaces as a behavioral deformity. because of this i needed constant reassurance from other people to not leave me. i don't need that external validation anymore. i do like going out, but i also like being able to come and go on my own terms. without someone pestering me to leave or come anywhere. it's very nice and light. i prefer to pack my troubles light!